The Newlywed Game: Hellsing Style
by DapperCrapper
Summary: This is a parody of the Newlywed Game with the Hellsing characters as the guests. Now new and improved and edited. This was written for a friend a few months back. Femslash and slash implications.


Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing or the Newlywed Game. Hellsing belongs to Kouta Hirano

A/N: This fic was written for a friend who is not feeling well at the moment, when I first started writing this she had the flu, but I found out she has pneumonia. I already printed this out and sent took it to the hospital for her. She read it and loved it. Now, this is my first Hellsing fic, but not really because I just did this as a gift to her because Hellsing and the Newlywed Game are her favorite shows and she wanted me to write a fic with them. Now, my usual writing isn't usually this crappy, this is crap in my opinion but she liked it and that's all that mattered. Now, here it is.

Newlywed Game... Hellsing Style

The audience waits expectantly for their host, patience wearing thin. Finally, a man in a vest and gray pants, wearing a monocle and sporting a pony tail comes onto the stage.

"Good afternoon. I am Walter C. Dollneaz and this is the Hellsing Newlywed Game. Now, let's meet our contestants ... couple number one.

At that moment, two people walk onto the stage: Integral Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing and right behind her Seras Victoria. There is huge round of applause and cheers from mostly men in the audience.

"WE LOVE LESBIANS!"

Seras blinked and Integral shook her head in annoyance. "Can we get on with it?"

"Hi, Walter!" Seras smiled.

"Hello, Miss Victoria..." he smiled back before turning."Couple number two!"

Two more people walk onto the stage: Heinkel Wolfe and Yumiko Takagi. And once again there is a huge cheer of delight, mainly from the male half.

"WE LOVE LESBIANS!"

Yumiko's turned bright red while Heinkel looked annoyed. "Heathen fools..."

Seras glanced at the pair and arched a brow. Yumiko was wearing her usual nun attire while Heinkel was dressed as a priest as usual. She gently nudged Integral who turned to look at her.

"What?"

"I can't even count all the ways that looks wrong..." Seras whispered. "I bet the Pope is having a stroke if he's watching this..."

Integral glanced at the pair, noticing the holy attire along with the fact they were both women and nearly laughed. "Yes, he probably is..."

"And now, couple number three" Walter called.

There was a bit of a silence, and then strange sounds could be heard coming from backstage.

"Couple number three?" Walter asked again.

"That's us, Judas Priest, come on!" an amused deep voice could be heard from backstage along with an enraged shouting in a Scottish accent.

"Damn it to Hell, ye bloodsucking Hell beast, I'm not yer spouse-AH! What are ye doing! Let me go! I'll kill you!"

At that moment, a tall man sporting a wide red hat and red leather coat walked onto the stage, a chain in his gloved hand, and on the other end of the chain was Paladin Alexander Anderson, chained up from the shoulders to waist, arms chained to his sides. The vampire Alucard grabbed the priest's shoulders and shoved him into a chair. He then sits in the chair next to the enraged paladin and crosses his legs.

"Hello, Angel of Death..." he said to Walter, ignoring the shocked looks from Yumiko and Heinkel at the sight of their fellow Iscariot member chained next to the vampire. He could, however, sense the pleasantly amused surprise coming from his childe. He turned to her and smirked. "Enjoying the show, police girl?" he smirked but the smirk nearly fell off of his face when he saw Seras' companion, his master. "I thought you hated us vampires, master?" he asked with a bit of bitterness etched in his voice.

"Well, um..." Walter started. "Let's get this started ... this first question is for the men"

Walter looked at each of the couples and then sighed. "Hmm, that's a problem ... how are we to sort this out...?"

At that moment Seras brightened. "I have an idea!" she said. "Someone give me a coin..."

Yumiko looked confused but cautiously handed the vampire girl a coin before jerking her hand back quickly.

"What are you doing, Police Girl?" Alucard asked as he was a bit confused.

"Okay" Seras said holding the coin. "Heads: people on the left are the wives, tails: people on the right are the wives"

Everyone, well, everyone who had breath to hold held it when Seras tossed the coin in the air. She caught it and flipped it onto the back of her hand. "Tails! People on the right are the wives... I guess that means me..." she said glancing at Integral. 'Well, it fits the description...'

Yumiko raised her hand. "Um... I think I should be the wife and not the husband..."

"Yeah, Heinkel does look rather mannish..." a voice said from backstage.

"Who said that?" Heinkel snapped, turning in her seat.

There was nothing but silence. She turned back around, her hand resting on her gun.

"Damn it, Draculina!" an enraged Scottish yell broke the silence and everyone turned to look at Anderson who was thrashing against his chains. "I AM NOT THIS DEMON'S WIFE!"

Alucard blinked but then realized the chained paladin was to his right and then remembered what the police girl had said while flipping the coin. His smirk grew wider before throwing his head back and laughing loudly. Seras covered her mouth and giggled while Integral snickered.

"Question, demon" Heinkel said, arching a brow at Alucard. "Exactly what would you have done if the coin landed on 'heads"?"

Before Alucard could answer, Seras burst into a fit of giggles at the image of her master dressed as a fifties housewife, complete with and apron and feather duster. Alucard caught the image in her head and let out a feral growl. "Police girl!" he yelled and she instantly shut up.

"Sorry, Master..." she muttered.

"Okay ... first question..." Walter started. "Husbands ... what is your wife's biggest turn on? Couple number one, you can start us out."

Integral had to think for a minute. "When I actually dress in female clothing" she said and Walter turned to Seras. "Wife number one?" he asked. Seras holds up a sign that says 'when Sir Integral wears girl clothes.' Walter nodded. "Very good" he said and then turned to Yumiko and Heinkel. "Couple number two?"

Yumiko was thinking. "Um..."

At that moment Anderson had stopped his enraged ranting to see his two partners, his two female partners, as a couple. "What in the name of God?"

Yumiko swallowed the lump in her throat when she saw the shocked, outraged look on the paladin's face. "Please, don't be angry..."

"Yes, calm down, my dear..." Alucard said with a smirk.

Anderson turned to Alucard, eyes wide and mouth agape. "What did ye jus' call me? You're disgusting!"

"Couple number two ... if you please..." Walter said, looking more than a little irritated.

"Oh!" Yumiko gasped. "When I rub her shoulders" she said and Walter turned to Heinkel. "Wife number two?" he asked.

Heinkel holds up a sign that says: 'When we switch outfits.' Yumiko looked disappointed that she got it wrong but that was soon forgotten when she heard Anderson's yelling.

"ABOMINATION!" he yelled.

"Oh, be quiet, Paladin!" Integral snapped.

Walter coughed and cleared his throat. "I'm afraid to ask but ... couple number three?"

Alucard smirked. "Chains, whips ... leather..."

Walter fought off the mental onslaught of images. "Wife number three?"

"I said I'm not his wife!" Anderson growled.

"Sorry, no points for you"

Alucard turned to Anderson and growled. "Wonderful, Judas Priest" he said irritably.

Walter sighed and looked down at his cards. "Moving on ... question number two."Meet at Vatican City at midnight, we shall bring down the Iscar-," he stopped, noticing Seras frantically waving her hands for him to stop and the exasperated look on Alucard's face. "Oops, oh dear... wrong cards"

"WALTER!" Integral snapped.

"What did those cards say?" Yumiko asked suspiciously.

"Nothing!" he said and put them into his back pocket. "Now... um... the real questions have to be around here somewhere..."

At that moment, Enrico Maxwell walks out from backstage and hands Walter a set of cards. He turned to leave but not before glancing at Yumiko and Heinkel in shock and then at Anderson and Alucard in even more shock.

"It's not what ye think! I swear!" Anderson said frantically but it didn't help matters much once Alucard pressed a kiss to the paladin's cheek. Anderson screamed and thrashed violently against his chains, actually loosening them enough to get an arm free. "Vulgar demon!" he screamed, raising one of his blessed blades, but the chains were a little heavy on him, causing him to tip over to the floor. Alucard sighed and pulled him up, after enchaining him again of course.

"Darling, must you be so stubborn...?" he asked, before laughing loudly at the enraged shouting coming from the paladin.

Walter just ignored the spectacle. "Now, question number two... I'm a pathetic manservant to a Protestant sow-" he stopped and glared. "I'll let Sir Integral deal with you..." he said irritated while Enrico just smirked.

Integral arched her brows and then smirked at Enrico. "You'll be dealt with later..." she said and then glanced at Alucard who smirked at the opportunity to rip the Iscariot leader to shreds.

Enrico paled and moved farther and farther backwards until he was backstage behind Father Renaldo. Meanwhile, Walter had gone backstage and then returned with a new set of cards.

"Finally! The right ones ... now, question number two: What song best would your wife use to describe you?"

Integral thought for a moment. "I think... Mistress by Disturbed..."

"Wife number one?"

Seras held up a sign that said: 'Independent Woman' by Destiny's Child Integral arched a brow. "Is that what you really think of me?"

Seras smiled and nodded. "Mm-hmm"

"Husband number two?"

Yumiko looked confused. "Um... Complicated by that Avril girl...?"

Walter turned to Heinkel. "Husband number two?"

Heinkel held up a sign that said: 'Dead Bodies Everywhere by KoRn '

Yumiko gasped. "HEINKEL!" she cried, eyes wide in disbelief. "Is that what you really think?"

"Couple number three?" Walter asked, turning away from the scene of the crestfallen little nun.

Alucard's grin spread. "I'd have to say... Freak-A-Leak by that Peaty Pablo person..."

Seras' mouth dropped open. "Oh, my God..."

"Huh?" Integral asked confused.

"Hold on!" a voice called from backstage. Pip Bernadette came onto the stage with a tape player and played a clip of the song.

_Tell me what you want; do you want it missionary with your feet crammed into the head board?  
Do you want it from the back with your face in the pillow so you can  
yell it loud as you want to?  
Do you want it on the floor? Do you want it on the chair?  
Do you want it over here? Do you want it over there?  
Do you want it in ya-? _

"That's quite enough..." Walter said running over to turn the radio off.

Pip shrugged and picked up the radio, heading backstage. Seras watched him leave and sighed. "Why am I not surprised...?"

Anderson stared at Alucard, outraged and at a loss for words, while he just laughed loudly, head thrown back.

Walter cleared his throat, trying to regain his composer and turned to Anderson. "Wife number three?"

Anderson glared at Alucard then his gaze traveled to Integral. He smirked and wrote something on the card. He then held it up and it read: 'Freak On A Leash by KoRn.'

Heinkel laughed and Seras nearly laughed until she saw the glare her master was sending her. Alucard turned to Anderson. "You'll pay for that..." he said darkly.

"Now, question number three: How does your wife relieve you of tension?" Walter asked.

Integral blinked and ran a hand through her hair. "She doesn't..."

Seras held up a sign that said. "I leave her alone ... she's scary when she's tense"

Walter shrugged. "I suppose that works ... couple number two?"

"I don't think we should answer this on television..." Yumiko said with a blush.

Anderson's eyes widened. "We're on television?"

"Well, this is a game show..." Seras said, "Which is why Sir Integral made me wear contacts" she said pointing to her eyes that were currently blue.

"Wait, what about him?" Yumiko asked, pointing to Alucard.

"I'm wearing sun glasses..."

At that moment an audience member raised his hand. "Why do they have to wear glasses and contacts?"

Seras blinked and her eyes shifted. "Um ... well, stage lights are harsh and hurt our eyes ... yeah, that's it..." she lied.

"Back to the question." Walter said.

Yumiko sighed and blushed "She relieves my tension by trying out new things in our favorite book"

"Wife number two?" Walter asked and Heinkel held up a sign that simply says. 'Kama Sutra.'

Seras and Integral's eyes widened, Anderson looked disgusted while Alucard smirked. "Really now...?"

"Quiet, Demon!" Heinkel snapped while Yumiko's face changed a new shade of red.

"I always thought that's what you nuns and priests did behind closed doors..."

"Alucard, don't be disgusting!" Integral snapped.

"All right ... couple number three"

Alucard smirked. "Knowing the Judas Priest, he'd relieve my tension by trying to kill me." At that moment Anderson held up a sign that said: 'I'd relieve the demon's tension with stakes, silver, blessed blades and a bulldozer.'

"All right... I guess that works. Now, round two after these commercial messages"

There was nothing but silence. Walter sighed. "Pip! The commercials if you please!"

"Oh ... okay..." Pip said getting out of his chair and putting away his Playboy Magazine.

-During commercial break, this is what happened-

"UNCHAIN ME NOW! I'M NOT YER BLASTED WIFE!"

Alucard chuckled. "I know that... I just enjoy tormenting you, Judas Priest. It's so entertaining"

"Undead bastard..." he snarled."And you two!" he growled at Heinkel and Yumiko. "What in Hell are ye two doin'?"

Yumiko blushed and looked down while Heinkel glared at him. "It's not like either one of us wanted it to happen..."

"I believe he's jealous..." Seras said with a sure nod of her head.

"WHAT!" Anderson yelled, causing her to shrink back behind Alucard and Integral.

"Yeah, much like the vampire is of the two of you..." Heinkel said with a pointed look and smirk at Alucard who snarled at her.

"You'd do well to watch your tongue, berserker"

"That would be Yumie" Heinkel corrected and Yumiko shuddered when remembering the tales of what her body did when she was not in control of it.

"And, we're on!" Pip called. "In five, four, three, two..."

"Welcome back to The Hellsing Newlywed Game. Now, in round two, the wives answer the questions. Now the first question is. "What is the oddest place you ever..." he stopped and turned red."Who on Earth worded this?" He, along with everyone else, looks at Alucard.

Alucard arched a brow and scowled. "No, it was not me" he said and then pointed backstage. Everyone turned and was shocked to see Jan Valentine giving little wave.

"Sir Integral, didn't you kill him?" Seras asked confused.

"I thought I did..." Integral answered annoyed. "After the show, I'll make sure I do a better job..."

Walter glared at Jan. "I'll deal with you later ... just like last time. Now ... onto the question. What is the oddest place you ever..." Walter, being the gentleman that he is simply mutters the obscenity.

"Hmm... I didn't know that was a word for it..." Yumiko said with a red face.

"I did" Alucard replied with a smirk. All looked at him and sighed.

"What do you think your husband put wife number one?" Walter asked.  
Seras had to think. "Um ... her desk"

"Husband number one?" Walter asked with a disturbed look on his face. Again, another smirk from Alucard but his glasses hid the jealousy that was in his eyes.

Integral held up a sign that said "Roof."

"THE ROOF IS ON FIRE!" Jan sang from backstage before bursting into a fit of laughter.

"Moving on..." Walter said. "Couple number two?"

Heinkel sighed in annoyance. "She's not going to answer, so why bother?"

Everyone looked at her in confusion. "What?"

Yumiko held up a sign that just said. "HUH! WHAT!"

Walter blinked and turned to the judges. "Judges?"

"It was close, we'll accept it"

"Okay, couple number three?"

Anderson glared a death glare at Walter, which totally unfazed him. "Me ... and that disgusting hell beast... NEVER **:censored:** (this is national television )

"Father Anderson!" Yumiko gasped.

Everyone gaped at Anderson, save for Alucard. "Are priests even supposed to know words like that?" Integral asked.

Jan blinked. "Man ... even I didn't know that was a word for it..."

"I did" Alucard smirked.

Integral sighed and glared at Alucard. "Answer the question, Alucard"

"Of course, Master..." he said and held up a sign that said. 'The Judas Priest will deny the countless time I made him scream to the moon and call out my name in the city morgue.'

Integral's mouth fell open, Seras' eyes widened impossibly while Anderson just stared at Alucard in shock. "Ye sick, demented, disgusting..."

"I told you that you'd pay, Judas Priest..." Alucard smirked.

Seras smiled. "Master, I bet you make your wife very happy" she said, loving the fact that he was getting what he deserved for putting a sword through her neck.

"I'm not his wife, ye undead bitch!" Anderson snapped.

"Next question" Walter said. "How was the honeymoon?"

"Eh ... it could've been better" Seras said.

"Husband number one?" Walter asked and Integral had a hurt and confused look on her face as she held up the sign that said. 'Wonderful.'

"And exactly what was wrong?" Integral asked.

"Well, with all respect ... it was rather boring. All you did was smoke cigars and complain about the Iscariots and what a pain Master is. If I wanted to do that we could've stayed home..."

Integral stared at Seras for a while before lighting up a cigar. "I see..." she said before turning to Walter."Continue..."

"Oh, wait... I mean, it was... I'm sorry" Seras said, looking crestfallen.

Integral ignored her, instead she glanced over at Alucard who was writing on his card, his smirk growing wider by the second and Anderson who was trying to see exactly what he was writing but couldn't from his chained position.

Walter sighed. Oh, what he was going to hear when this was over and they all went home. "Couple number two?"

"It was good..." Heinkel said, looking rather bored and wishing this was over with.

Yumiko held up a sign that said. Good

"Good, couple number three ... dare I ask?"

Anderson growled. "There was no honeymoon because WE AREN'T MARRIED!" he yelled. "HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL YE!"

Walter took a deep breath. "Husband number three?" he asked a bit nervous.

Alucard smirked and held up a sign that said. 'The paladin will openly lie about our honeymoon and the hours of bloody, endless passion we sent together, my fangs scraping against his skin, his hands fisted in my hair right before I flipped him over and -.' Unfortunately ... or fortunately... Alucard had run out of room to finish his graphic description.

Anderson looked very ill and he heaved, becoming reacquainted with his lunch for the afternoon. Everyone else also look ill from the images that description sent into their brains. Alucard simply threw his head back and laughed maniacally.

"I'm almost beginning to feel sorry for him..." Walter said tilting his head to the side and then smirked. "Almost being the key word. Moving on... Final question: What is the one sexual fantasy your really want your husband to act out?" Walter sighed. "This should be interesting... Couple number one"

Seras blushed. "Well... I wanted to be in the woods..." she started but Walter cut her off.

"That's quite enough... Husband number one?"

Integral glared at Seras and held up a sign that said. 'Pip.'

Everyone's mouths dropped open. "You said we weren't going to mention that!" Seras shrieked.

Pip peaked his head out from backstage, read the sign and his mouth fell open. "Really?" he asked eager.

"Captain Bernadette, get backstage now..." Integral said in a low voice, pointing backstage.

Pip head off backstage but not before sending a knowing glance Seras' way. Seras pretended not to notice when she saw the glare Integral sent her way.

"Um ... moving on before this turns into a death match ... couple number two?"

Heinkel toyed with the barrel of her gun. "I ask her sometimes to be Yumie"

"Husband number two?"

Yumiko looked sad as she held up a sign that said. 'Yumie.'

"AWWWWWWWW!" was the sound that came from the audience.

"You're just with me for her, aren't you?" Yumiko accused.

Heinkel sighed. "It's not even like that... "

"Really?" Yumiko asked skeptically.

"Really" Heinkel promised.

Yumiko ran into Heinkel's arms and met her halfway in a passionate kiss.

"YEAH!" the male half of the audience cheered. "H.L.A! H.L.A!"

"H.L.A?" Integral asked in confusion?"

"Hot lesbian action" Pip said from backstage.

"Ladies..." Walter said. "Can we not do that on the air? Couple number three!"

Anderson groaned sickly and glared up at Walter. "Sexual fantasies...? With him!"

Walter sighed. "Sir Alucard?" he asked.

Alucard held up a sign that said. 'He'll lie about it, although he's asked me repeatedly to dress as Enrico Maxwell'

"WHAT!" Enrico shrieked from backstage.

"HE'S LYING! I SWEAR IT!" Anderson said frantically.

"Don't deny it ... you bought the platinum blonde wig and everything..." Alucard continued with an exaggerated huff of annoyance. "You know you want him. You even called me Enrico while I was **:censored:** you senseless."

Seras and Integral's resolve snapped and both burst into a fit of laughter. Enrico on the other hand looked far from amused.

"Anderson?" he asked uneasily. "Tell me that damned unholy filth is lying!"

"He's a damned liar, I swear it!" Anderson cried.

"Oh, I'm a liar!" Alucard snapped. "I'm a liar and you're the one who has wet dreams about the little bastard? Sure, right." The vampire then shrugged. "But, you're so adorable that I forgive you."

Enrico looked appalled and ran backstage, hand on his chest to keep from passing out. Anderson turned to Alucard who had a look of evil glee all over his face. "When I get free... I'll slice tha' smug look off yer face, demon!"

Alucard smirked. "Now, is that any way to talk to your husband, cuddles?"

"CUDDLES?" Anderson yelled. "When I get free, I'll-"

Unfortunately Anderson never got to finish his threat. Alucard silenced him by grabbing the priest by his shoulders and pressing a forceful kiss to lips, forcing his tongue into the paladin's mouth. Anderson let out muffled screams against the vampire's lips, wrenching his head back and forth to get away but Alucard's grip was strong and there was no escape. Luckily, it seemed Lady Luck was on the priest's side today.

"Alucard! Can we not do that on the air?" Walter's voice cut in.

Alucard pulled away from the priest and leaned back in his chair, enjoying the numerous feelings of uneasiness from those around him.

Anderson's tanned face had turned a very unsettling shade of green and he was now hunched over, gagging and coughing.

Integral had her gloved hand on her forehead and her head was tilted downward. "Seras?" she asked.

"Hmm?" the vampire girl replied, biting her lip to keep from cackling.

"Tell me I didn't just see that…"

"Is that what you want to hear?"

Both Heinkel and Yumiko wore identical looks of shocked disgust on their faces. It also seemed that Jan and Pip were also in agreement.

"Oh, Hell no!" Pip screamed, running backstage.

"Oh, fuck no! That ain't right at all!" Jan screamed.

Alucard chuckled and turned to Walter. "By all means, continue..."

"Right ... now on to the bonus round. Couple's two and three are in the lead, tied by eight points while couple one has four points. The bonus question is worth five points so anyone can win. Now ... how would your husband describe your responsiveness in bed?" Walter inwardly cringed. "Couple number one?"

"Shy" Seras said.

"Sir Hellsing?" Walter asked and Integral held up a sign that said. Timid

"After what I've heard today..." Jan said from backstage.

"You shut up!" Integral growled. "She's so shy and timid ... it's frustrating..."

"I think they get it..." Seras said blushing.

"Next... Couple number two?"

"Eager" Heinkel said and Yumiko held up a sign that said. Insane

"Can we accept that?" Walter asked and the judges shook their heads negative.

"Why not!" Heinkel growled, tempted to pull out her guns.

"Heinkel ... calm down" Yumiko said nervously.

"Number three?" Walter asked, wanting to move this along as quickly as possible.

Anderson scoffed. "Like he would know! We've never and never will!" he yelled.

Walter arched a brow. "Sir Alucard?" he asked.

Alucard lifted up his sign that said. He's shy to admit that he **:censored: **like a jack rabbit on Viagra...

Jan looked from backstage. "Shit ... all these words I never knew... I need a notebook..."

Walter blinked and sighed. "Well, I guess couple number three wins..." he said and then turned to the judges."Judges?"

"Yeah, they win..." one of the judges said.

"What for?" Yumiko cried standing up, they aren't even married. But, when she stood up, she must've done it a bit too quickly for her glasses slipped off of her nose and off her face. At that moment a cruel laugh rang from her throat. "You fools! Siding with the heathen undead! He took the paladin against his will! You shall pay for siding with him!"

At that moment Yumiko, now Yumie pulled out her katana and swiftly sliced off one of the judges' heads. Everyone in the audience screamed and scattered out of the studio. Alucard stood up and smirked. "Finally... I was starting to get bored..." he said pulling out the Jackal, but stopped when he heard the sound of a gun click. "Don't even move, Demon..." Heinkel said pointing her guns at his forehead.

Yumie ran over to Alexander Anderson and sliced his chains off of him in one clean, swift stroke. He quickly got to his feet and pulled out a blessed blade, sending it through Alucard's stomach. "How does that feel ... darling?"

Alucard turned and grinned at him, pulling the blade out of his body and tossing it to the side. He aimed the Jackal at him and fired. That was when all Hell broke loose. Bloodshed was everywhere. And Enrico tried to escape but Alucard caught hold of him. "Any last words, Vatican Dog?" he asked as he pressed the Jackal to his head. "I was told to deal with you later, remember...?"

Enrico swallowed the lump of fear in his throat. "Wait... I just have one thing to say..."

"Speak..."

Just as Enrico opened his mouth, Jan poked his head out from backstage. "Hey, what the censored was the prize any way?"

The fighting stopped and everyone looked at each other. "What was the prize?" Integral asked Walter.

"Well, the prize was..."

We'll never know what the prize was because the network lost the feed.


End file.
